between two worlds

Coming home is never easy. 

Transition, in general, is hard for me. Even with all of the times I've been in and out of the country, this kind of transition never gets easier for me. I am overwhelmed. Confused. Torn.

Trapped between two worlds. 

In a span of a few hours (in the grand scheme of things-- although traveling around the world feels like it goes on for weeks sometimes. Especially when you're 7 months pregnant. Extra especially when no one can tell that you're expecting. But I'm getting off subject. Blame pregnancy brain.) my entire world changes. My normal shifts from one side of the spectrum to the other. 

It's normal for me to drive on the left side of the road, dodging pot-holes, people, bicycles, motorcycles, and various forms of livestock-- all while never exceeding about 30 miles per hour.

But in the blink of an eye, it is also normal for me to drive on the right side of the road amidst traffic flying by at 75 miles per hour. It's normal for me to easily jump in my own car, buckle up (!!!), turn on the radio and AC, and easily get to wherever I want to go, usually with no hold-ups. 

It's normal for errands to take all day. To go to five different supermarkets looking for yogurt or chicken fillets or pancake syrup because everyone is out of the rare items. It's normal to run to the clinic without an appointment for a $10 check-up. It's normal that a friend drew my blood at home and we take it to the lab ourselves to save us some time and a couple of dollars. 

But I hop on a plane and then it's normal to be home from the grocery store in an hour with anything and everything I could possibly want. My first doctor's appointment here was made weeks in advance, and I don't even want to know how much it's going to cost me. I'm fairly certain I won't be walking into his office with my own tube of blood this time.

It's normal for me to have conversations that mostly center around lives at stake and people's wellbeing that are in our hands-- a friend dying of AIDS, a sick little boy who keeps going into crisis due to sickle cell anemia, the lies & deception & tragic histories & unethical practices & everything else that surround us and make ministry and life there hard. 

And suddenly it's normal to talk mostly about how nice the weather is, college football, new stuff and how "busy" life is. (Although life here is rarely urgent the way that life there is.) Maybe the conversation occasionally turns to what's going on in the world, and it's casually mentioned that Uganda is expecting a terrorist attack similar to the one in Kenya last month. No big deal for most people here. Except that I just came back from that country. Except that I love that country and so, so many people in it. 

That's when the discrepancy between my life here and my life there feels suffocating. Like I'm walking on a tight rope between these two worlds, these two extremes that both feel natural sometimes. The tension is sometimes too much to handle, and I end up crying from being overwhelmed in the aisles of WalMart or snapping at someone about getting over themselves and realizing what is truly important in this life. 

So here's an apology in advance if you catch me on a day where the tension in my heart is too much for me to handle. I wouldn't trade my experiences overseas for anything, but it does make living a "typical" life in America difficult to navigate sometimes. 

But I am thankful for a God who gives peace, joy, and affirmation each step of the way. I know that even though the biggest piece of my heart is thousands of miles away, I am firmly planted here for now, and this is where I need to be. 

follow up: being pregnant in Uganda

It’s hard for me to put into words my feelings about the reaction to my pregnancy announcement. The messages, emails, and texts have flooded in, and I have been nothing but encouraged and supported. I am so humbled that God has continued to use me during this time, and I am so thankful that people have been willing to take a few minutes out of their days to confirm that again and again. From people letting me know they have “been there” to people saying that my message came just for them and at just the right time to people simply affirming the way that I have tried to handle this situation, I have been blown away by each response. I want to say THANK YOU to everyone who has been so encouraging, caring, and loving. Your prayers mean more than anything, and I am grateful for how many people have been lifting Malachi and me to the Lord. And, just for the fun of it, I've included the first picture for this blog:  Malachi's adorable 19 week photograph. I love him so much already!

Anywayyy... I’ve also had a lot of questions, and wanted to do my best to answer a few of those here:

Are you staying in Uganda? What are your plans?

I am staying throughout the duration of my trip, which has me leaving the country on October 14^th. I will be two days short of 28 weeks! I contemplated staying and having the baby here, but after a lot of prayer and seeking advice, decided that going home is the best decision. It is nothing short of the complete and divine sovereignty of God that allowed me to be here during this time, and it could not have been more perfect. I love that I have been able to process much of this surrounded by a strong community and with the continuing ability to serve people and organizations that I love so much. I am still praying through plans, but I feel that this would be a good time for me to pursue a graduate degree in Christian counseling. The whole purpose of this trip was to find “what’s next” —either a position here that I could step into or a need that I could help meet. Through several different circumstances, God has opened my eyes to the need for trained therapists in this country. I would love to eventually work with the people here—especially women and children.

How have you been doing physically?

Great! For the most part, at least! God has been incredibly gracious and merciful to me, and my symptoms have been moderate at worst. Exhaustion has easily been my main side effect, but other than that, it’s been pretty smooth sailing! I did not have any morning sickness at all, which I was very thankful for! I have also not had any intense food cravings or aversions. (At least nothing more intense than the Chick Fil A cravings that I have every time I’m out of the country!!) I am in the stage of pregnancy when I have been feeling little man kick/move/squirm very frequently, and I love it! It is the most special, unique, incredible feeling. I can’t get enough. I’ve been blessed to have such little trouble so far. I’ve been sick a decent amount, which is never fun here because 1) it’s hard to know exactly what is wrong; 2) it’s hard to treat something that you are unsure about; and 3) I don’t have my momma! But overall we’ve been doing alright. (But continued prayers for health and safety are much appreciated!)

What’s it like to be pregnant in Uganda?

For the most part, great! My monthly check-ups cost between $10-$30, depending on if I need anything-- and my ultrasounds have cost a whopping $8! That’s probably the biggest perk to being pregnant in a third world country. Some of the downfalls? There’s no such thing as comfortable furniture here, so the further along I get, the more I want a Lazy Boy recliner! I know it’d be worse if I had morning sickness or if I was having lots of cravings or food aversions. I think my body knows what it can/can’t get for the most part and is being extra easy on me. Protein is harder and more expensive to come by here, which can be frustrating. I don’t have a car here, so my options are to ask other people for a ride or take a boda—a motorcycle taxi. I’ve done a lot of both, and the Lord has kept us safe! In general, life here just tends to be a bit more difficult, and I’d be lying if I said that the pains of pregnancy here haven’t made me look forward to going home. (I never thought there would be anything that could make me want to leave this place, but the 40-hour power outages combined with intense heat are quickly achieving that!)  

So, that pretty much sums up what it’s been like to be pregnant in Uganda these past six months. Again, I am beyond blessed to have been here during this time, and wouldn’t trade a single day of it. (Even the ones without power!) I am continuing to have more and more trust in God—both in the big things and the little things. 

He is good. He is trustworthy. He is faithful. And I am thankful.

grace, pt 3. [the big news]

A few weeks ago I started a series on grace.

The ravishing, unrelenting love and faithfulness of God that is not dependent in the least on what we do or say has completely turned my world upside down over the last several months.

“If we conceal our wounds out of fear and shame, our inner darkness can neither be illuminated nor become a light for others. We cling to our bad feelings and beat ourselves with the past when what we should do is let go. As Dietrich Bonhoeffer said, guilt is an idol. But when we dare to live as forgiven men and women, we join the wounded healers and draw closer to Jesus.” –Brennan Manning, Abba’s Child

I have alluded to there being something-- a specific situation-- that He has been using to teach me these lessons. And now I want to share that blessing with you.

That blessing is now almost 21 weeks old and weighing in at around ten ounces. Due to arrive the first week of January, the Lord has been using the boy (!!!) that I am now carrying to teach me about my desperate need for a Savior, the weakness of my flesh, and most importantly, His desire to use all things for His glory and the good of those who love Him.

It happened with a close friend a few days before I left for Uganda. It happened one time, and I was deeply grieved by the sin that I had committed. I repented, was forgiven, made white as snow, and moved on. The last thing that I wanted was guilt or shame (saying that the blood of Jesus was not enough to cover this sin) inhibiting me from loving well and wanting to spend time with God.

“The poor man and woman of the gospel have made peace with their flawed existence. They are aware of their lack of wholeness, their brokenness, the simple fact that they don’t have it all together. While they do not excuse their sin, they are humbly aware that sin is precisely what has caused them to throw themselves at the mercy of the Father. They do not pretend to be anything but what they are: sinners saved by grace.” –Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel

I refuse to see my child as a consequence of my sin. Are there other consequences? Absolutely. Some of the changes that have come and will come are not fun. I am not downplaying that our actions have consequences, sometimes ones that change everything in our life. My child is a result of my sin, yes. But a blessing. Nothing but a blessing.

I found out very early on, when I was barely two weeks pregnant. At first, I didn’t know what to do. I was confused, scared, and emotional. (Okay, I’m still pretty emotional!) But over the past several months, I cannot put into words the amount of peace, love, and joy that God has covered me with. Through the Word, encouragement and prayers from others, and books that I am reading, I have been overwhelmed by the presence of God. I can honestly say that I understand the Gospel, grace, and unconditional love better now than ever before. I know that it is not going to be an easy road, but I refuse to let my sin debilitate me. I am human. Stuff happens. But God’s faithfulness is not dependent on my own. He still has plans for me, and He has plans for this child. I believe He is the only one who can give life, and I feel that He has entrusted me to glorify His name even in the middle of such difficult and precarious circumstances.

“Here was the purest picture I’d ever seen of God’s relentless pursuit of His raggedy creation. Not that I could sin more so grace might abound, but grace abounded more because I could find it in the darkness as much as in the light.” –Michael W. Smith, foreword in The Ragamuffin Gospel

My life is not over. My call to missions has not ended. I have not given up the fight. God is not finished writing my story. We are simply starting a new chapter together. One that I wasn’t anticipating, but one that is here.

Shocking? Yes. But that’s life.

“The apparent frustrations of circumstances, seen or unforeseen, of illness, of misunderstandings, even of our own sins, do not thwart the final fulfillment of our lives hidden with Christ in God.” –Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel

My desire for the Lord has not changed. My love for the Lord has not changed. I want to be used by Him, however He sees fit, for nothing other than to bring glory to His name. He has carried me through much, how could I give Him less than everything?

So here I am, starting on a very new, very exciting, very humbling journey… Hoping that you decide to come along with me.

**In a desire to live an honest and transparent life, I want you to know that you are welcome to ask me any questions you might have. To honor my community of family, friends, and supporters, I will continue to live my life this way. You are welcome to leave a comment here (they will be moderated), email me at grace.hartmann@gmail.com or send them to me in a private Facebook message. 

grace, pt. 2 [lessons from the life of david]

“We all have shadows and skeletons in our backgrounds. But listen, there is something bigger in this world than we are and that something bigger is full of grace and mercy, patience and ingenuity. The moment the focus of your life shifts from your badness to His goodness and the question becomes not “What have I done?” but “What can He do?” release from remorse can happen; miracle of miracles, you can forgive yourself because you are forgiven, accept yourself because you are accepted, and begin to start building up the very places you once tore down. There is grace to help in every time of trouble. That grace is the secret to being able to forgive ourselves. Trust it.” Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel

Let’s talk about David.

I think that the life of David is one of the most stunning examples of grace in the entire Bible.

You’ve got this kid who is chosen by God at a very young age and marked for greatness. He single-handedly defeats an army that has been tormenting the Israelites for who-knows-how-long. He is incredibly successful. He rules all of Israel for decades. The Bible says time and time again that God was with David. He had a long and prosperous life. He is in the lineage of Christ.

And most importantly, he is the only person in the entire Bible that is referred to as a “man after God’s own heart.” Wow. Can you imagine? That’s quite a statement. It sounds like David had it all together spiritually. I’m sure he had pretty consistent quiet times, writing psalms, singing, praying, and pouring his heart out to God. Right? He had to have been a pretty holy guy for God to have spoken so highly about him.

And yet.

Well into his life, into his ministry, into his relationship with God, he messed up. By human standards he committed two of the largest, most heinous sins:  adultery and murder.

But this guy LOVED GOD!!! Didn’t he? Maybe that is the wrong question. Maybe what I should be asking is:

Don’t I love God? 

Still, in the midst of that, no one questions his love for the Lord and desire to please and serve Him. No one says, “David was a man after God’s own heart except for when all of that stuff with Bathsheba was going on.” It does say that he did what was pleasing to God and kept His commands except in the case of Bathsheba (1 Kings 15:5), but it does not say anything about the posture of his heart being any different during that time.

Nope. Not what it says.

David was still a lover of the Lord, even though he made some pretty bad decisions. His sin and indiscretion did not disqualify him from going after the heart of God. We are human. Stuff happens. No one is exempt from this. “For ALL have sinned,” (Romans 3:23); “for NO ONE is righteous; NO ONE understands, NO ONE seeks God.” (Romans 3:10.)

I hope that people can see the same thing in me. That yes, I love and follow the Lord and desire to please Him more than anything else. But yes, I also fail and fall and choose my flesh and am human. In the midst of that mess, it doesn’t change my heart for God. Instead, it pushes me to further acknowledge my desperate need for a Savior, and know that I can do nothing but accept with open hands and a grateful heart the incredible gift of His grace.

“The poor man and woman of the gospel have made peace with their flawed existence. They are aware of their lack of wholeness, their brokenness, the simple fact that they don’t have it all together. While they do not excuse their sin, they are humbly aware that sin is precisely what has caused them to throw themselves at the mercy of the Father. They do not pretend to be anything but what they are: sinners saved by grace.” Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel

[Stay tuned for the rest of the series that I am doing on the concept of grace and what avenue He has been using to teach me these lessons.]

grace, pt. 1

“God’s love is not conditional. We cannot do anything to deserve God’s love—for which reason it is called grace; and we need not do anything to provoke it. It is already there. Any love that is going to save must be of this type, absolutely unconditional and free.” –Beatrice Bruteau

I was told once that your name speaks a great deal over who you are. Who you become. That names are prophetic. That they hold a great amount of meaning.

I was told that your name is often your biggest strength right along with your biggest weakness.

Grace.

A strong word. A powerful name. A name that means undeserved goodness; unmerited favor. A name that tells of God’s heart for us when He sent His son to carry the cross for our shame. Full of grace. Giving us the most extreme, the most extravagant, the most beautiful gift that we could never come close to deserving on our own.

“Grace tells us that we are accepted just as we are. We may not be the kind of people we want to be, we may be a long way from our goals, we may have more failures than achievements, we may not be wealthy or powerful or spiritual, we may not even be happy, but we are nonetheless accepted by God, held in his hands. Such is the promise to us in Jesus Christ, a promise we can trust.” –Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel

I look back over the last couple of years, and the thumbprints of Him teaching me the true meaning of my name are undeniable.

It’s right there in my old journal entries. Blog posts. Letters to and from friends. Notes scribbled furiously into my bible.

How could I have missed it?

But now, with this? He has caught my attention. He has drawn me into His gracious and loving arms with a fierce and unrelenting hold. I am safe here. Though I may struggle against the grip of His grace, He is not letting go.

And finally, finally I am beginning to understand what it means.

“Grace substitutes a full, childlike and delighted acceptance of our need, a joy in total dependence. The good man is sorry for the sins that have increased his need. But he is not entirely sorry for the fresh need they have produced.” –CS Lewis, The Four Loves

[Stay tuned for the rest of the series that I am doing on the concept of grace and what avenue He has been using to teach me these lessons.]

My New Blog Blog Post

Welcome to my new blog home. I hope you find it as comfy and cozy as I do.

I had no intention on starting a new one.  But over the past few months, God has been taking me on a crazy journey, with a lot of new things in store for the future.  He has been teaching me infinitely more about His grace and faithfulness, and I feel like I am beginning to understand the Gospel in an entirely new light.  It is wrecking me in the most beautiful way, and for that I am so thankful.

So with the big changes that are ahead (more details to come soon!) it felt appropriate to start fresh for this journey.

For my first blog, including my updates from all of my trips to Uganda, you can read here: www.lovebyaction.blogspot.com

And for my world-traveling adventures involving a year serving in 11 different countries, read here: www.gracehartmann.theworldrace.org

But now, I’ve settled here, hoping that my words allow you to see beyond me, to the grace that He desires to lavish on your heart and your life each and every day.