between two worlds

Coming home is never easy. 

Transition, in general, is hard for me. Even with all of the times I've been in and out of the country, this kind of transition never gets easier for me. I am overwhelmed. Confused. Torn.

Trapped between two worlds. 

In a span of a few hours (in the grand scheme of things-- although traveling around the world feels like it goes on for weeks sometimes. Especially when you're 7 months pregnant. Extra especially when no one can tell that you're expecting. But I'm getting off subject. Blame pregnancy brain.) my entire world changes. My normal shifts from one side of the spectrum to the other. 

It's normal for me to drive on the left side of the road, dodging pot-holes, people, bicycles, motorcycles, and various forms of livestock-- all while never exceeding about 30 miles per hour.

But in the blink of an eye, it is also normal for me to drive on the right side of the road amidst traffic flying by at 75 miles per hour. It's normal for me to easily jump in my own car, buckle up (!!!), turn on the radio and AC, and easily get to wherever I want to go, usually with no hold-ups. 

It's normal for errands to take all day. To go to five different supermarkets looking for yogurt or chicken fillets or pancake syrup because everyone is out of the rare items. It's normal to run to the clinic without an appointment for a $10 check-up. It's normal that a friend drew my blood at home and we take it to the lab ourselves to save us some time and a couple of dollars. 

But I hop on a plane and then it's normal to be home from the grocery store in an hour with anything and everything I could possibly want. My first doctor's appointment here was made weeks in advance, and I don't even want to know how much it's going to cost me. I'm fairly certain I won't be walking into his office with my own tube of blood this time.

It's normal for me to have conversations that mostly center around lives at stake and people's wellbeing that are in our hands-- a friend dying of AIDS, a sick little boy who keeps going into crisis due to sickle cell anemia, the lies & deception & tragic histories & unethical practices & everything else that surround us and make ministry and life there hard. 

And suddenly it's normal to talk mostly about how nice the weather is, college football, new stuff and how "busy" life is. (Although life here is rarely urgent the way that life there is.) Maybe the conversation occasionally turns to what's going on in the world, and it's casually mentioned that Uganda is expecting a terrorist attack similar to the one in Kenya last month. No big deal for most people here. Except that I just came back from that country. Except that I love that country and so, so many people in it. 

That's when the discrepancy between my life here and my life there feels suffocating. Like I'm walking on a tight rope between these two worlds, these two extremes that both feel natural sometimes. The tension is sometimes too much to handle, and I end up crying from being overwhelmed in the aisles of WalMart or snapping at someone about getting over themselves and realizing what is truly important in this life. 

So here's an apology in advance if you catch me on a day where the tension in my heart is too much for me to handle. I wouldn't trade my experiences overseas for anything, but it does make living a "typical" life in America difficult to navigate sometimes. 

But I am thankful for a God who gives peace, joy, and affirmation each step of the way. I know that even though the biggest piece of my heart is thousands of miles away, I am firmly planted here for now, and this is where I need to be. 

follow up: being pregnant in Uganda

It’s hard for me to put into words my feelings about the reaction to my pregnancy announcement. The messages, emails, and texts have flooded in, and I have been nothing but encouraged and supported. I am so humbled that God has continued to use me during this time, and I am so thankful that people have been willing to take a few minutes out of their days to confirm that again and again. From people letting me know they have “been there” to people saying that my message came just for them and at just the right time to people simply affirming the way that I have tried to handle this situation, I have been blown away by each response. I want to say THANK YOU to everyone who has been so encouraging, caring, and loving. Your prayers mean more than anything, and I am grateful for how many people have been lifting Malachi and me to the Lord. And, just for the fun of it, I've included the first picture for this blog:  Malachi's adorable 19 week photograph. I love him so much already!

Anywayyy... I’ve also had a lot of questions, and wanted to do my best to answer a few of those here:

Are you staying in Uganda? What are your plans?

I am staying throughout the duration of my trip, which has me leaving the country on October 14^th. I will be two days short of 28 weeks! I contemplated staying and having the baby here, but after a lot of prayer and seeking advice, decided that going home is the best decision. It is nothing short of the complete and divine sovereignty of God that allowed me to be here during this time, and it could not have been more perfect. I love that I have been able to process much of this surrounded by a strong community and with the continuing ability to serve people and organizations that I love so much. I am still praying through plans, but I feel that this would be a good time for me to pursue a graduate degree in Christian counseling. The whole purpose of this trip was to find “what’s next” —either a position here that I could step into or a need that I could help meet. Through several different circumstances, God has opened my eyes to the need for trained therapists in this country. I would love to eventually work with the people here—especially women and children.

How have you been doing physically?

Great! For the most part, at least! God has been incredibly gracious and merciful to me, and my symptoms have been moderate at worst. Exhaustion has easily been my main side effect, but other than that, it’s been pretty smooth sailing! I did not have any morning sickness at all, which I was very thankful for! I have also not had any intense food cravings or aversions. (At least nothing more intense than the Chick Fil A cravings that I have every time I’m out of the country!!) I am in the stage of pregnancy when I have been feeling little man kick/move/squirm very frequently, and I love it! It is the most special, unique, incredible feeling. I can’t get enough. I’ve been blessed to have such little trouble so far. I’ve been sick a decent amount, which is never fun here because 1) it’s hard to know exactly what is wrong; 2) it’s hard to treat something that you are unsure about; and 3) I don’t have my momma! But overall we’ve been doing alright. (But continued prayers for health and safety are much appreciated!)

What’s it like to be pregnant in Uganda?

For the most part, great! My monthly check-ups cost between $10-$30, depending on if I need anything-- and my ultrasounds have cost a whopping $8! That’s probably the biggest perk to being pregnant in a third world country. Some of the downfalls? There’s no such thing as comfortable furniture here, so the further along I get, the more I want a Lazy Boy recliner! I know it’d be worse if I had morning sickness or if I was having lots of cravings or food aversions. I think my body knows what it can/can’t get for the most part and is being extra easy on me. Protein is harder and more expensive to come by here, which can be frustrating. I don’t have a car here, so my options are to ask other people for a ride or take a boda—a motorcycle taxi. I’ve done a lot of both, and the Lord has kept us safe! In general, life here just tends to be a bit more difficult, and I’d be lying if I said that the pains of pregnancy here haven’t made me look forward to going home. (I never thought there would be anything that could make me want to leave this place, but the 40-hour power outages combined with intense heat are quickly achieving that!)  

So, that pretty much sums up what it’s been like to be pregnant in Uganda these past six months. Again, I am beyond blessed to have been here during this time, and wouldn’t trade a single day of it. (Even the ones without power!) I am continuing to have more and more trust in God—both in the big things and the little things. 

He is good. He is trustworthy. He is faithful. And I am thankful.