So my baby boy turned 1! I can't believe it. These past twelve months have been the fastest, slowest, most exhausting, joy-filled, tear-filled, want-to-pull-out-my-hair filled months of my life. (Can I get an amen??) I have stayed home with Malachi & have only been away from him 5 or 6 hours at the most (& even that-- barely) yet somehow I still feel like I missed it!!?! How did a year already pass? I understand the saying about your kids growing up before your eyes now. It's true.
And it's bizarre.
I'm still very much a rookie in the world of motherhood, just taking things a day at a time & praying that I don't screw Malachi up too much. (Again, who's with me??) But there are a few things that I've learned (& am still learning) over the past year that really stick out in my head & I want to write them down before I forget them. #mommybrain
#1. No one really has any idea what they are doing when they first become a mom. What kind of diapers am I supposed to use? Is he sleeping enough? Eating enough? Should he be on a schedule? But I'm not really on a schedule... Am I holding him enough? Too much? Are we doing enough tummy time? Does it really MATTER if we do tummy time? Should he get all the shots? Or just some of them? How soon can we use a pacifier? Is his fever too high? Is it too hot for a walk? Too cold? Why isn't he rolling over/crawling/walking/WHATEVER yet?
I mean. But seriously? We are all clueless! Even if you've wanted to be a mom your whole life & have watched kids & worked with them for yearsssssssss (that would be me) you still have NO clue what you're doing. And you know something? None of it really matters!! We are all just doing the best that we can with what we have & what we know... And guess what? Our kids are all turning out okay. (I think.)
Which brings me to #2. Grace. It seems like most of my last couple of years have been marked by falling deeper into a personal, life-altering understanding of grace. When I got pregnant unexpectedly, I learned a lot about God's grace for me. How much He really really really loves me in spite of how much I disobey & turn away from Him. In this season, I've been learning a lot about what it looks like to extend grace to myself. Friends, let me tell you-- that mommy guilt sets in QUICK. (Like, lightning speed quick.) It doesn't matter if it is from accidentally bumping your baby's head on the car roof (oops) or just THINKING of giving up breastfeeding (I sure thought about it pretty much 24/7 for the first 3.5 weeks) or feeling bad because you didn't let your kid have cake on his birthday (also me) or (heaven forbid) wanting some time away from your kid or a plethora of other examples I could give you-- I think I speak for most moms when I say that it is easy for us to feel like we are never doing enough, doing it all wrong, & probably messing up our kid as we go. THOSE ARE LIES. I have learned over the past year that pretty much no matter what-- whether we give up breast feeding today or a year from today, whether he ever has his own nursery or sleeps with me until he's 5, whether he eats cereal for a week straight-- it is okay because we are doing the things that matter. We hug & cuddle & laugh & love & pray & forgive.
#3. I have also learned that as much as I am learning about God's grace for me & my grace for myself...In some ways it has become harder for me to extend grace to others. This ugly side of me mostly rears its ugly head when people without kids talk to me about being tired & busy & I want to say, "Oh, you think YOU'RE tired?? You woke up at 9 instead of 11? You CHOSE to go to sleep late? I haven't slept soundly through the night with no interruptions more than a handful of times in a year. Let's not talk about tired." I try to hold my tongue, but sometimes I do say that. Sometimes I do roll my eyes. (I said this is a list of what I am LEARNING-- not a list of what I've mastered. Just keeping it real...)
#4. Friends are precious. Friends who stick by your side through rough times are really precious. Friends who stay involved in your life when you have kids are really really precious. Especially if those friends make hang outs work-- even if those hang outs involve grocery shopping together or breast feeding. Extra especially if those friends randomly bring you coffee or sweets or whisk your little one away so that you can take a long, hot shower in peace. If you have friends like that, keep them.
#5. I am much more selfish than I ever knew. Sureeeee I have given up a lot of dreams & ideas about how my life would go & what my plans were-- & I've done it in the blink of an eye. But that doesn't mean that I always have a good attitude about it. Don't get me wrong, I love Malachi more than life itself & he is worth more than anything that I would gain without him in my life-- but that doesn't change the fact that sometimes it's just plain hard. Sometimes I miss my freedom & the ability to hop in the car (or on a plane) at a moment's notice & have no one to answer to but myself. I've always been independent-- my life has always been pretty adventurous & somewhat unpredictable. And let me tell ya-- nothing makes your life more repetitive like it's on a spin cycle than having a baby. Feed MJ, play, change diapers, sleep.
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
Overnight your priorities shift and every single need that your child has becomes more important than your own. (Does it really matter if I've showered & eaten? Malachi is clean & full & that means I've had a productive & successful day.) This is not necessarily a bad thing. Motherhood forces you to be selfless, but it is hard. It is also sanctifying & character building & growing the fruit of the Spirit in your life. But did I mention that it's hard?
#6. It is okay to ask for help. In fact, it's good. It's humbling. Nothing will humble you quicker than having to ask for help-- sometimes over & over again. Go ahead, actually ASK for help next time you need it. You'll see what I mean.
#7. It is harder than I ever thought it would be to stay true to who you were before you had a kid. Your life changes so drastically & it's hard to not let that take a toll on other areas of your life. It's harder to relate to your friends that don't have kids. People want to go out for dinner or drinks at 8PM. SERIOUSLY?! At 8PM I am in the throws of bath & bedtime routines-- (wrangling a freshly-oiled baby to put a diaper on is comparable to wrestling a greased pig, by the way) & we are reading a story or two about Jesus & I'm silently praying (hard) that Malachi will be asleep by 9:30 so that I can be asleep by 9:30 too. Long gone are the days of sleeping in, waking up leisurely & drinking a cup or two of coffee while curled up in my favorite chair with my bible & whatever book I am currently reading. Here are the days of rolling out of bed like a zombie & finishing my coffee around 2PM after it is reheated for the 8th time.
If I'm honest, this is an area that I'm struggling with right now. I know that it's okay to do things for me-- taking a book to the coffee shop down the street or curling up in my hammock at the park or getting a massage. But even when I find the time to do it (& someone to watch MJ) it doesn't feel okay. (See #2 on mom guilt.) I have a hard time finding time to write-- and I love to write. Before Malachi, you'd never see me without earrings on. Usually big ones. I LOVE earrings. But with a baby who likes to pull them...I don't get to wear them right now. Maybe that sounds silly, but even though being a mom has definitely become the biggest part of my identity (outside of my relationship with Christ) & that is okay-- normal even, I guess-- I don't want the little things that make me who I am to fall by the wayside.
#8. Breast feeding is sometimes really, really hard & always really, really tiring & time-consuming. People don't really tell you that. Probably because they still want you to do it. I'm not sure that I would have stuck out those first few miserable weeks if I had known how truly painful & terrible they were going to be. I'm glad I did-- & it was definitely worth it for us-- but still. A little heads up would have been...nice? Not sure that's true, so let's just say that a little heads up would have simply been a little heads up!
#9. You will change your mind about a lot of things. I am pretty sure that most people have fairly "set" ideas in their heads about what kind of parents they will be, what foods their kids will eat, how they will discipline, yadda yadda. THROW THEM OUT THE WINDOW. You can have thoughts & goals & maybe even a few intentions & expectations-- but hold them loosely. Chances are most of them will change. Don't ever utter the words "I will always" or "I will never" because I promise-- you will eat those words. Trust me.
#10. I am convinced there is nothing in this world like the feeling of being a mother. I look at Malachi sometimes & I feel like my heart is just going to burst-- this curly-headed, smiling, handsome baby boy is my SON. God entrusted ME to be his mama-- to hold his hand & guide him through life. What an honor. What a mind-blowing, I-can't-believe-I'm-this-lucky honor. Sometimes when I am rocking him to sleep, whispering prayers & hymns over his now-still body, I hold him just a little bit longer. I never want to forget these days that last forever but the months that are flying by.
As 2014 draws to an end, I look back with joy & gratefulness at a year that was beautiful & hard & full of so much life. I also look ahead with hopefulness that this new year will bring with it a renewed outlook on the purpose and beauty of the gospel-- of my life-- and of the gift of motherhood God has given me.
[what about you? what did 2014 teach you? i'd love to know!]
And it's bizarre.
I'm still very much a rookie in the world of motherhood, just taking things a day at a time & praying that I don't screw Malachi up too much. (Again, who's with me??) But there are a few things that I've learned (& am still learning) over the past year that really stick out in my head & I want to write them down before I forget them. #mommybrain
#1. No one really has any idea what they are doing when they first become a mom. What kind of diapers am I supposed to use? Is he sleeping enough? Eating enough? Should he be on a schedule? But I'm not really on a schedule... Am I holding him enough? Too much? Are we doing enough tummy time? Does it really MATTER if we do tummy time? Should he get all the shots? Or just some of them? How soon can we use a pacifier? Is his fever too high? Is it too hot for a walk? Too cold? Why isn't he rolling over/crawling/walking/WHATEVER yet?
I mean. But seriously? We are all clueless! Even if you've wanted to be a mom your whole life & have watched kids & worked with them for yearsssssssss (that would be me) you still have NO clue what you're doing. And you know something? None of it really matters!! We are all just doing the best that we can with what we have & what we know... And guess what? Our kids are all turning out okay. (I think.)
Which brings me to #2. Grace. It seems like most of my last couple of years have been marked by falling deeper into a personal, life-altering understanding of grace. When I got pregnant unexpectedly, I learned a lot about God's grace for me. How much He really really really loves me in spite of how much I disobey & turn away from Him. In this season, I've been learning a lot about what it looks like to extend grace to myself. Friends, let me tell you-- that mommy guilt sets in QUICK. (Like, lightning speed quick.) It doesn't matter if it is from accidentally bumping your baby's head on the car roof (oops) or just THINKING of giving up breastfeeding (I sure thought about it pretty much 24/7 for the first 3.5 weeks) or feeling bad because you didn't let your kid have cake on his birthday (also me) or (heaven forbid) wanting some time away from your kid or a plethora of other examples I could give you-- I think I speak for most moms when I say that it is easy for us to feel like we are never doing enough, doing it all wrong, & probably messing up our kid as we go. THOSE ARE LIES. I have learned over the past year that pretty much no matter what-- whether we give up breast feeding today or a year from today, whether he ever has his own nursery or sleeps with me until he's 5, whether he eats cereal for a week straight-- it is okay because we are doing the things that matter. We hug & cuddle & laugh & love & pray & forgive.
#3. I have also learned that as much as I am learning about God's grace for me & my grace for myself...In some ways it has become harder for me to extend grace to others. This ugly side of me mostly rears its ugly head when people without kids talk to me about being tired & busy & I want to say, "Oh, you think YOU'RE tired?? You woke up at 9 instead of 11? You CHOSE to go to sleep late? I haven't slept soundly through the night with no interruptions more than a handful of times in a year. Let's not talk about tired." I try to hold my tongue, but sometimes I do say that. Sometimes I do roll my eyes. (I said this is a list of what I am LEARNING-- not a list of what I've mastered. Just keeping it real...)
#4. Friends are precious. Friends who stick by your side through rough times are really precious. Friends who stay involved in your life when you have kids are really really precious. Especially if those friends make hang outs work-- even if those hang outs involve grocery shopping together or breast feeding. Extra especially if those friends randomly bring you coffee or sweets or whisk your little one away so that you can take a long, hot shower in peace. If you have friends like that, keep them.
#5. I am much more selfish than I ever knew. Sureeeee I have given up a lot of dreams & ideas about how my life would go & what my plans were-- & I've done it in the blink of an eye. But that doesn't mean that I always have a good attitude about it. Don't get me wrong, I love Malachi more than life itself & he is worth more than anything that I would gain without him in my life-- but that doesn't change the fact that sometimes it's just plain hard. Sometimes I miss my freedom & the ability to hop in the car (or on a plane) at a moment's notice & have no one to answer to but myself. I've always been independent-- my life has always been pretty adventurous & somewhat unpredictable. And let me tell ya-- nothing makes your life more repetitive like it's on a spin cycle than having a baby. Feed MJ, play, change diapers, sleep.
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
Overnight your priorities shift and every single need that your child has becomes more important than your own. (Does it really matter if I've showered & eaten? Malachi is clean & full & that means I've had a productive & successful day.) This is not necessarily a bad thing. Motherhood forces you to be selfless, but it is hard. It is also sanctifying & character building & growing the fruit of the Spirit in your life. But did I mention that it's hard?
#6. It is okay to ask for help. In fact, it's good. It's humbling. Nothing will humble you quicker than having to ask for help-- sometimes over & over again. Go ahead, actually ASK for help next time you need it. You'll see what I mean.
#7. It is harder than I ever thought it would be to stay true to who you were before you had a kid. Your life changes so drastically & it's hard to not let that take a toll on other areas of your life. It's harder to relate to your friends that don't have kids. People want to go out for dinner or drinks at 8PM. SERIOUSLY?! At 8PM I am in the throws of bath & bedtime routines-- (wrangling a freshly-oiled baby to put a diaper on is comparable to wrestling a greased pig, by the way) & we are reading a story or two about Jesus & I'm silently praying (hard) that Malachi will be asleep by 9:30 so that I can be asleep by 9:30 too. Long gone are the days of sleeping in, waking up leisurely & drinking a cup or two of coffee while curled up in my favorite chair with my bible & whatever book I am currently reading. Here are the days of rolling out of bed like a zombie & finishing my coffee around 2PM after it is reheated for the 8th time.
If I'm honest, this is an area that I'm struggling with right now. I know that it's okay to do things for me-- taking a book to the coffee shop down the street or curling up in my hammock at the park or getting a massage. But even when I find the time to do it (& someone to watch MJ) it doesn't feel okay. (See #2 on mom guilt.) I have a hard time finding time to write-- and I love to write. Before Malachi, you'd never see me without earrings on. Usually big ones. I LOVE earrings. But with a baby who likes to pull them...I don't get to wear them right now. Maybe that sounds silly, but even though being a mom has definitely become the biggest part of my identity (outside of my relationship with Christ) & that is okay-- normal even, I guess-- I don't want the little things that make me who I am to fall by the wayside.
#8. Breast feeding is sometimes really, really hard & always really, really tiring & time-consuming. People don't really tell you that. Probably because they still want you to do it. I'm not sure that I would have stuck out those first few miserable weeks if I had known how truly painful & terrible they were going to be. I'm glad I did-- & it was definitely worth it for us-- but still. A little heads up would have been...nice? Not sure that's true, so let's just say that a little heads up would have simply been a little heads up!
#9. You will change your mind about a lot of things. I am pretty sure that most people have fairly "set" ideas in their heads about what kind of parents they will be, what foods their kids will eat, how they will discipline, yadda yadda. THROW THEM OUT THE WINDOW. You can have thoughts & goals & maybe even a few intentions & expectations-- but hold them loosely. Chances are most of them will change. Don't ever utter the words "I will always" or "I will never" because I promise-- you will eat those words. Trust me.
#10. I am convinced there is nothing in this world like the feeling of being a mother. I look at Malachi sometimes & I feel like my heart is just going to burst-- this curly-headed, smiling, handsome baby boy is my SON. God entrusted ME to be his mama-- to hold his hand & guide him through life. What an honor. What a mind-blowing, I-can't-believe-I'm-this-lucky honor. Sometimes when I am rocking him to sleep, whispering prayers & hymns over his now-still body, I hold him just a little bit longer. I never want to forget these days that last forever but the months that are flying by.
As 2014 draws to an end, I look back with joy & gratefulness at a year that was beautiful & hard & full of so much life. I also look ahead with hopefulness that this new year will bring with it a renewed outlook on the purpose and beauty of the gospel-- of my life-- and of the gift of motherhood God has given me.
[what about you? what did 2014 teach you? i'd love to know!]
