What 2014 Taught Me (& i'm still learning)

So my baby boy turned 1! I can't believe it. These past twelve months have been the fastest, slowest, most exhausting, joy-filled, tear-filled, want-to-pull-out-my-hair filled months of my life. (Can I get an amen??) I have stayed home with Malachi & have only been away from him 5 or 6 hours at the most (& even that-- barely) yet somehow I still feel like I missed it!!?! How did a year already pass? I understand the saying about your kids growing up before your eyes now. It's true.

And it's bizarre. 

I'm still very much a rookie in the world of motherhood, just taking things a day at a time & praying that I don't screw Malachi up too much. (Again, who's with me??) But there are a few things that I've learned (& am still learning) over the past year that really stick out in my head & I want to write them down before I forget them. #mommybrain

#1. No one really has any idea what they are doing when they first become a mom. What kind of diapers am I supposed to use? Is he sleeping enough? Eating enough? Should he be on a schedule? But I'm not really on a schedule... Am I holding him enough? Too much? Are we doing enough tummy time? Does it really MATTER if we do tummy time? Should he get all the shots? Or just some of them? How soon can we use a pacifier? Is his fever too high? Is it too hot for a walk? Too cold? Why isn't he rolling over/crawling/walking/WHATEVER yet? 

I mean. But seriously? We are all clueless! Even if you've wanted to be a mom your whole life & have watched kids & worked with them for yearsssssssss (that would be me) you still have NO clue what you're doing. And you know something? None of it really matters!! We are all just doing the best that we can with what we have & what we know... And guess what? Our kids are all turning out okay. (I think.)

Which brings me to #2. Grace. It seems like most of my last couple of years have been marked by falling deeper into a personal, life-altering understanding of grace. When I got pregnant unexpectedly, I learned a lot about God's grace for me. How much He really really really loves me in spite of how much I disobey & turn away from Him. In this season, I've been learning a lot about what it looks like to extend grace to myself. Friends, let me tell you-- that mommy guilt sets in QUICK. (Like, lightning speed quick.) It doesn't matter if it is from accidentally bumping your baby's head on the car roof (oops) or just THINKING of giving up breastfeeding (I sure thought about it pretty much 24/7 for the first 3.5 weeks) or feeling bad because you didn't let your kid have cake on his birthday (also me) or (heaven forbid) wanting some time away from your kid or a plethora of other examples I could give you-- I think I speak for most moms when I say that it is easy for us to feel like we are never doing enough, doing it all wrong, & probably messing up our kid as we go. THOSE ARE LIES. I have learned over the past year that pretty much no matter what-- whether we give up breast feeding today or a year from today, whether he ever has his own nursery or sleeps with me until he's 5, whether he eats cereal for a week straight-- it is okay because we are doing the things that matter. We hug & cuddle & laugh & love & pray & forgive. 

#3. I have also learned that as much as I am learning about God's grace for me & my grace for myself...In some ways it has become harder for me to extend grace to others. This ugly side of me mostly rears its ugly head when people without kids talk to me about being tired & busy & I want to say, "Oh, you think YOU'RE tired?? You woke up at 9 instead of 11? You CHOSE to go to sleep late? I haven't slept soundly through the night with no interruptions more than a handful of times in a year. Let's not talk about tired." I try to hold my tongue, but sometimes I do say that. Sometimes I do roll my eyes. (I said this is a list of what I am LEARNING-- not a list of what I've mastered. Just keeping it real...) 

#4. Friends are precious. Friends who stick by your side through rough times are really precious. Friends who stay involved in your life when you have kids are really really precious. Especially if those friends make hang outs work-- even if those hang outs involve grocery shopping together or breast feeding. Extra especially if those friends randomly bring you coffee or sweets or whisk your little one away so that you can take a long, hot shower in peace. If you have friends like that, keep them.

#5. I am much more selfish than I ever knew. Sureeeee I have given up a lot of dreams & ideas about how my life would go & what my plans were-- & I've done it in the blink of an eye. But that doesn't mean that I always have a good attitude about it. Don't get me wrong, I love Malachi more than life itself & he is worth more than anything that I would gain without him in my life-- but that doesn't change the fact that sometimes it's just plain hard. Sometimes I miss my freedom & the ability to hop in the car (or on a plane) at a moment's notice & have no one to answer to but myself. I've always been independent-- my life has always been pretty adventurous & somewhat unpredictable. And let me tell ya-- nothing makes your life more repetitive like it's on a spin cycle than having a baby. Feed MJ, play, change diapers, sleep. 

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. 

Overnight your priorities shift and every single need that your child has becomes more important than your own. (Does it really matter if I've showered & eaten? Malachi is clean & full & that means I've had a productive & successful day.) This is not necessarily a bad thing. Motherhood forces you to be selfless, but it is hard. It is also sanctifying & character building & growing the fruit of the Spirit in your life. But did I mention that it's hard? 

#6. It is okay to ask for help. In fact, it's good. It's humbling. Nothing will humble you quicker than having to ask for help-- sometimes over & over again. Go ahead, actually ASK for help next time you need it. You'll see what I mean. 

#7. It is harder than I ever thought it would be to stay true to who you were before you had a kid. Your life changes so drastically & it's hard to not let that take a toll on other areas of your life. It's harder to relate to your friends that don't have kids. People want to go out for dinner or drinks at 8PM. SERIOUSLY?! At 8PM I am in the throws of bath & bedtime routines-- (wrangling a freshly-oiled baby to put a diaper on is comparable to wrestling a greased pig, by the way) & we are reading a story or two about Jesus & I'm silently praying (hard) that Malachi will be asleep by 9:30 so that I can be asleep by 9:30 too. Long gone are the days of sleeping in, waking up leisurely & drinking a cup or two of coffee while curled up in my favorite chair with my bible & whatever book I am currently reading. Here are the days of rolling out of bed like a zombie & finishing my coffee around 2PM after it is reheated for the 8th time.

If I'm honest, this is an area that I'm struggling with right now. I know that it's okay to do things for me-- taking a book to the coffee shop down the street or curling up in my hammock at the park or getting a massage. But even when I find the time to do it (& someone to watch MJ) it doesn't feel okay. (See #2 on mom guilt.) I have a hard time finding time to write-- and I love to write. Before Malachi, you'd never see me without earrings on. Usually big ones. I LOVE earrings. But with a baby who likes to pull them...I don't get to wear them right now. Maybe that sounds silly, but even though being a mom has definitely become the biggest part of my identity (outside of my relationship with Christ) & that is okay-- normal even, I guess-- I don't want the little things that make me who I am to fall by the wayside. 

#8. Breast feeding is sometimes really, really hard & always really, really tiring & time-consuming. People don't really tell you that. Probably because they still want you to do it. I'm not sure that I would have stuck out those first few miserable weeks if I had known how truly painful & terrible they were going to be. I'm glad I did-- & it was definitely worth it for us-- but still. A little heads up would have been...nice? Not sure that's true, so let's just say that a little heads up would have simply been a little heads up! 

#9. You will change your mind about a lot of things. I am pretty sure that most people have fairly "set" ideas in their heads about what kind of parents they will be, what foods their kids will eat, how they will discipline, yadda yadda. THROW THEM OUT THE WINDOW. You can have thoughts & goals & maybe even a few intentions & expectations-- but hold them loosely. Chances are most of them will change. Don't ever utter the words "I will always" or "I will never" because I promise-- you will eat those words. Trust me. 

#10. I am convinced there is nothing in this world like the feeling of being a mother. I look at Malachi sometimes & I feel like my heart is just going to burst-- this curly-headed, smiling, handsome baby boy is my SON. God entrusted ME to be his mama-- to hold his hand & guide him through life. What an honor. What a mind-blowing, I-can't-believe-I'm-this-lucky honor. Sometimes when I am rocking him to sleep, whispering prayers & hymns over his now-still body, I hold him just a little bit longer. I never want to forget these days that last forever but the months that are flying by. 

As 2014 draws to an end, I look back with joy & gratefulness at a year that was beautiful & hard & full of so much life. I also look ahead with hopefulness that this new year will bring with it a renewed outlook on the purpose and beauty of the gospel-- of my life-- and of the gift of motherhood God has given me. 


[what about you? what did 2014 teach you? i'd love to know!]

A Year Later

On August 25, 2013, I took a giant leap of faith and announced my pregnancy to the world here. I knew that it was something I had to do. Not only would word get out eventually, (um, heLLO baby!) but I very, very clearly felt that God wanted to use not only my story, but the way that I shared my story to reach people. 

So I mustered my courage, took a deep breath, & finished up my blog series on grace with word of little Malachi's life.

The response was more than I could have imagined. The love, encouragement, & support that I received (with a naysayer or two along the way) literally brought me to my knees. Not only did God use my testimony to reach others, but He was reaching me through their loving words. 

People struggling with sexual sin reached out. Women that had walked the road of being a single mama reached out. Girls that had just found out they were also unexpectedly pregnant reached out. People struggling with self-righteousness & pride reached out.

And God used each of them to sow love, hope, & faith deeper & deeper into my soul. He used them over & over again to teach me about grace. To teach me that because He loves us so, so much more than we could ever understand, He does not give us what we deserve. He gives us what we need. He gives us that which will bring us closer into His arms. Sometimes He uses our good & righteous decisions to bring us those things, & sometimes He uses our sin. How humbling is that? 

I needed Malachi. 

I needed Malachi to humble me. To teach me about the true meaning of grace. To help me understand the Gospel in a fuller, more rich way. I have learned so much because of him in the time since I knew I was going to be a mother. I can only imagine how much he will continue to teach me in the years to come. 

But I want to leave you with a challenge. If I had a dollar for every time someone commended me on my bravery & transparency & honesty, I could probably pay my way through graduate school. (Or at least go on a nice vacation!) But the only thing that allowed me to share my story so openly is that I know that I am HIS daughter. 

He LOVES me. Like, a lot. And if the Almighty Creator of the universe loves me & calls me HIS OWN-- His own redeemed, chosen, beautiful, adopted, restored daughter-- why would I care what anyone else thinks? Why would I be ashamed of the story of His grace in my life when I have NO condemnation under Jesus? So I decided to trust Him fully-- not only with my life & my story, but Malachi's as well-- & choose to be genuinely honest about the road we are walking. 

Maybe He is asking you to do the same. Maybe there are people all around you who would be encouraged by the truth of your struggle & the story of His victories in your life. You will never know until you start speaking about all He has done for you.

Dear Mama, I Salute You

In honor of Mother's Day.


It's easy to get caught up in the mommy-game war of comparison. To wonder if you're doing it all right or doing enough or if someone is always doing it better. I wonder how much time the average mom spends worrying about such things. That sucks. We should rally around each other, all the time, no matter what. Who cares if we do things differently in one area or every area? I'll do what works for me & my children & you'll do the same. Whether you co-sleep or have had your baby in their own crib in their own room since day one or spank or do time-outs or eat all organic or feed your kids mac&cheese from the box at least twice a week... I hope we can remember those are not the things that matter most. What matters is you are nurturing and loving and raising up a young soul. You have another's livelihood in your very capable (but very tired) hands, and that is what is important. And I want to take today to tell all the mamas out there--

I SALUTE YOU.

To the new moms, who are covered in spit up and have bags under your eyes and are choosing to not leave the house unless it's an emergency, I SALUTE YOU.

To the veteran moms who have walked the road before us, who have already gone from skinned knees to broken hearts & playing dress-up to real wedding days, who have successfully kicked your young ones from the nest to fly on their own, I SALUTE YOU.

To the clean-freak moms who boil the pacifier each time it falls on the floor and might as well own stock in hand sanitizer, I SALUTE YOU. And to the moms who choose to clean the pacifier with your own mouths and who were well-intentioned enough to buy an extra large bottle of hand sanitizer that only has a few pumps missing months later, I SALUTE YOU. (I also have a large almost-full bottle of hand sanitizer, if anyone wants it...)

To the breastfeeding moms who perpetually smell like milk and stay home more often than you would like because you are afraid of how others will act or your baby always throws off the cover (or is that just mine?) or you just can't get the hang of nursing in public, I SALUTE YOU. And to the mothers who have formula-fed since day one for whatever the reason, I SALUTE YOU, TOO.

To the moms who worry about each sniffle and cough and google every symptom and buy all new clothes and new toys, I SALUTE YOU. And to the moms who never google anything and use all hand-me-downs and forgot diapers on your trip out and had to use a maxi-pad instead, I SALUTE YOU.

To the adoptive moms who have paperwork pregnancies and babies that are born from your hearts instead of your bodies, I SALUTE YOU. I know that you have to endure nosy questions and inappropriate comments and usually do so with a smile and a heart of understanding, except on the days when you've just had enough. Either way, I SALUTE YOU. To the foster moms who walk an extremely hard road of loving children as your own and then saying goodbye when the time comes, I SALUTE YOU.

To the stay-at-home moms, whose days are filled with cooking and cleaning and washing and crafts and wiping noses and wiping tears and changing diapers and changing clothes and stopping fights and whiners and worriers and tea parties and fort-building and about a thousand other things-- I SALUTE YOU. And to the moms who work outside the home and then come home to pick up where you left off with all the things listed above, I SALUTE YOU.

To the single moms, whether by choice or by circumstance, I know you probably never saw yourself doing it alone. You are juggling more than you ever thought possible and often cannot let yourself think past today because the thoughts can be so overwhelming.  Amidst the struggle, I SALUTE YOU.

To the moms that send their kids to public school, who dread the summer (a little or a lot), and take a deep breath of relief when autumn approaches, I SALUTE YOU. To the moms who take the role of teacher upon themselves, whose days are filled with math and history that you never thought you'd see again, who decide the best route for your family is to homeschool your kids for part or all of their education, I SALUTE YOU, TOO.

A special salute to the moms that have lost a child. I am so sorry. There is nothing natural about having to bury a child that you birthed, a child that you dreamed of for months or even years, one that you certainly never imagined would end this way. That pain is nothing less than excruciating and suffocating. You have an inner strength that is unmatched. I SALUTE YOU.

So today, on this Mother's Day weekend, I raise my glass and give a toast to MOTHERS-- young or old, of one kid or nine, no matter your parenting styles or opinions or personal convictions.. I want you to know that you are doing it. That is what matters. You are continually, day after day, putting someone else's needs ahead of your own. You are walking around with a piece (or pieces) of your heart outside your body. You have taken on the most difficult yet most rewarding role. I hope you know that you are doing a good job. And, at the end of each day, I hope that we can put our differences aside and say to each other,

I SALUTE YOU.
 

Life's Not Fair

Some days I want to cross my arms, stomp my feet, & yell
“IT’S NOT FAIR!!”

It’s not fair that my daddy got cancer when I was 11. It’s not fair that he always believed he would be healed, but then he wasn’t. It’s not fair that he died when I was fifteen, at the most vulnerable time in my life, & sent my family on a downward spiral. It’s not fair that he didn’t teach me to drive or see me get ready for prom or watch me graduate or rock Malachi to sleep or that he’ll never walk me down the aisle.

And although I know He had a little bit of help (ha) on this one, I don’t think it’s fair that I have Malachi. I’ve struggled with both ends of the spectrum in this situation. The pendulum swings to one side, and I think it’s not fair that I was the one who got pregnant when there are people out there more promiscuous (just keepin’ it real, folks) than I was. Sometimes I feel it’s not fair because I had plans & dreams & hopes of what my future would look like, and I can tell you right now that none of them involved being a single mom. And then the pendulum swings to the other side, and I think it’s not fair that so many people struggle with infertility & want nothing more than to have a baby… They try & try for years on end with no results. They are ready for a child. I wasn’t. Yet out of my disobedience, God has blessed me with a son. There is certainly nothing fair about that.

And then, in the middle of my pity party, He starts to speak to me about fair.

“Fair? Fair, my child? You want to talk to Me about fair? What about the cross? What about Calvary? Is it fair that I punished MY SON for YOUR sin? Is it fair that I turned away from him & toward you? That I let him take the consequences that YOU deserve? Is it fair that even though you turn from me again & again (& again & again & again….) I always welcome you back with open arms? You know what is not fair? LOVE. Love is not fair. My grace for you is not fair. I never promised you that life would be fair. You should be glad that I didn’t. Because the compassionate, merciful, all-encompassing love that I have for you is not fair.”

And so I sit humbly at His feet, remembering His goodness & His faithfulness in this season. I thank Him & rejoice in the fact that

life is not fair.

Malachi's birth story

Here it is! It's a bit long and shares most of the details (not quite all, which I'm sure you will be thankful for!) of Malachi's birth. 

In mid-November, I started experiencing some all-over itching. At first, it wasn't so bad and so I didn't mention it to my doctor. I figured my skin was probably just dry from the weather changing. But it kept getting progressively worse and worse. A couple of weeks after it started, I mentioned it to my doctor. He said to try benedryll and oatmeal baths for a week. I did and they didn't seem to help much - or at all. The itching was driving me crazy. It was the worst at night and on my feet. I had a hard time sleeping every night because I was itching so badly! I was certain that I would wake up to bloody sheets at some point from scratching in my sleep. It was miserable. I did a little bit of research and came across a fairly rare (about 1/2000) gallbladder condition called cholestasis. The only side effect that is usually seen is severe itching- usually in the hands and feet. (1/1 in symptoms seemed like enough confirmation to consider it.) The only risks associated with cholestasis are fetal distress and having a stillborn. No middle ground-- it can either cause nothing or it can cause the baby's organs to fail. Yikes. So the next week I asked him if we should test for it, and he said yes. So that day (the 12th or 13th, not sure) they drew my blood. He told me that my gallbladder function test wouldn't come back until the end of the next week-- but if my gallbladder was REALLY out of whack, it would come up on my liver test a few days before they got the other results. So that was that. 

Fast forward to the 18th of December. Around 3:05, just a few minutes after I had put my feet into a pedicure bath (thanks, Grandma!), my doctor called. I knew as soon as I realized it was him on the phone. He told me that he had some bad news-- that I did in fact have cholestasis and would need to be induced. He apologized because he knew that went against everything I was hoping this labor and delivery would be. He told me what my options were: either way, I needed to go into the hospital that afternoon for some monitoring. They would watch Malachi's heartbeat while running another liver function test to see if it had gotten worse. If it had, I would need to be induced that night. If not, I could either get induced that night, come back Sunday for monitoring (and potentially get induced that night if I needed to) or, at the very latest, get induced on Tuesday night-- Christmas Eve. He told me that waiting would increase the risk-- not a ton-- but it would raise it. I thanked him for the information and told him that I would go up to the hospital and see from there. Just as soon as I finished my pedicure. :) I immediately called mom and had a hard time keeping from sobbing. It took her a few calls to answer but when she did I just kinda lost it. I told her everything and we were at least able to laugh a bit about the fact that that very morning I had told her that she should probably pack her hospital bag-- that he could come anytime. She was planning on packing it that night. But she rushed home and packed as I finished my pedicure and then we met at Gaga's. I called Mallory and let her know what was going on while I waited for Mom. I told the G's, grabbed my stuff, and then mom and I headed up there. Egide (baby daddy) met us up there, and Christy was working- so that was good. I got all hooked up to the monitors, had my blood drawn, and waited. His heartbeat was strong the whole time & then the results came back-- slightly worse. So they told me that it was my decision. It was a bizarre feeling-- choosing to have my baby born. I didn't feel ready at all! But I had talked it over with Mom and Mal and knew that waiting would mean a whole lot of anxiousness on my part-- I don't think I would have slept until he was here. I would be paranoid and worrying all the time about why he's not moving and things like that. It wouldn't be worth it. So I said it-- let's do it tonight. And they admitted me right then! 

I got to have one last meal and Christy and Egide went to get Panera, and it was delicious. Mom and Mal both stayed the night up there with me. I was able to sleep some- but mom didn't sleep at all. Anytime his heartbeat went off the monitor (which happened every time I moved or scratched my feet or anything...which was a lot) she would get up to check it. At 8PM they placed the first Cytotec - a little pill that they put at the opening of your cervix to ripen it. Awesome. I had another one at midnight and 4AM. And then around 830, the show got on the road. They broke my water-- which hurt and then felt like I wet the bed. (Haha, TMI yet?) At 9, they started the Pitocen. It was hell for the next 3 hours. The contractions were immediately strong and hard. I was in so much pain. I was up walking around as much as I could because I knew that the impending epidural would mean that I would be constrained to bed. But it was a MISERABLE 3 hours. Mom, Mal, and Egide were all in there for it with Christy working so coming in and out as she could. It was rough. Finally, around noon, I was 3cm dilated and could get an epidural. YES PLEASE. I made my last stretch around the room and last independent bathroom trip until little man's arrival. I crawled into bed & the saint of pain removal came and gave me the epidural. Within ten or fifteen minutes, I was completely numb from the waist down. Ahhhhhhhhh.

The next 6 hours were just a waiting game. For some reason, it was hard to monitor my contractions-- they didn't really come up on the monitor. But I continued to progress nicely without them having to up my pitocin (which I was thankful for.) Around 6:15, it was announced that I was 10cm and 100% effaced. Time to push. At that point, Clarissa (my mentor) had joined our group as well. Margaret decided that I was far enough along to call the doctor. I decided to put a little mascara on since I knew pictures would follow. :) 

Words cannot even come close to describing how much I missed my daddy that day. I would have done anything for him to be there. I always knew that my heart would break a little extra when I brought a child into this world that would not ever get the privilege of knowing the incredible man that he was. So thankful that Mallory captured this picture of him "with us" that day.

Mallory is Malachi's godmother. This was just before the real "fun" began!

And then we began pushing. You are supposed to push through contractions, but like I said, mine weren't really showing up on the monitor for some reason so we had to kinda guess when I was supposed to push. No good. The doctor came a few minutes later and we continued. It is a very bizarre sensation to try to push while the bottom half of your body is completely numb. It's just so weird. It seemed like I couldn't quite get the push right until halfway or more through the second push-- so instead of getting thirty seconds of really good pushing-- it was usually only around 15. Frustrating. Mom kept the ice chips flowing, Clarissa was giving me massages, and Mal was taking pictures. They were all three very encouraging and I'm so glad they were there.

So after about 2 1/2 hours of pushing, I finally gave birth to Malachi Jacob at 8:32.. And he came face up! Oops! Usually they know if they are face up and can turn them, but for some reason, the doctor didn't pick up on that. So instead, he was in the birth canal for a while as I tried to push him out. Which resulted in a MASSIVE block head. Not even cone shaped. Like an actual block was on top of his head. Let's just say it was a bit traumatic for both of us.

Regretting my choice to put make-up on!

Immediately they brought his sticky self to my stomach. He let a huge wail out as soon as he was born-- strong boy. Christy and Egide were standing outside the door and got to hear his first cry. We let his cord pulse for a few minutes and then Mallory did the honors. He scored 8-9 on his Apgar (strong boy!) and they put him on my chest as she cleaned him off a bit. I could not believe it. I was a mom!! I was flooded with emotion-- more than I ever knew possible. I was so in love with him right away. Surreal. That's the best way to explain it. 

Christy was able to take his vitals and weight and do his footprints which was pretty special. 

I kept saying that Malachi looked Tibetan or Mongolian and he totally did. He weighed 6lb 12oz and was 21 inches long.

Gaga, Grandpa, John, Melanie, and Eden came in as well to see him. 

John came bearing my congratulatory meal-- chicken nuggets and a peppermint shake from CFA of course.

"We're parents!!!"

Proud daddy.

Proud godmother.

So blessed to have the unconditional love and support from my mom. She is loving her role as Jjajja! (The Luganda word for "grandmother.") 

Pastor Anthony came by and prayed over Malachi. Such a sweet visit only a few hours after he was born. I cannot think of a better way to have ended the day but to cover my sweet little man in prayer.

Malachi is now 6 weeks old and weighing 8lb 2oz. He is the sweetest baby, and we are absolutely in love! It has been a whirlwind of a month and a half, but God has been so good and so present through it all. He continues to lavish grace, peace, and joy over me in a way that I do not deserve in the least. I am excited about the road that He has us on and am continuing to try to trust Him each step of the way.